Sunday, 25 September 2011

Man declares to live entire life on Tree to save paper [Faking news]

R Correspondant

Anxiety and turmoil prevailed in the sleepy village of Jalsa, 36 km from town of Amarsinghpur, since a man who calls himself  ‘Sirjee’ declared that the will live his entire life, henceforth on a Tree.

Hordes of TV OB vans rushed to the village ala ‘Peepli Live’ to show this ‘Breaking News’. Cameramen with heavy tripods fought for vantage positions to capture this Indian Tarzan's face. In hushed whispers, the villagers discussed about why 'Sirjee' would take such an extreme step when everything was going on smoothly.

'Sirjee' is atop a tree 40 feet above the ground in a dense forest adjoining his village Jalsa.

He survives solely on what the nature has to offer, though sometimes villagers also serve him some human-made food. While the visitors find his tree-house a precarious place to live in, ‘Sirjee’ finds it a cozy dwelling, safe from the threats of wild animals’ attack and the wastage of paper down on the ground.



“Sirjee had a stationery shop in the village and all the kids from the schools used to rush to the shop to buy books and paper. I am really shocked on hearing Sirjee’s declaration. Now as he has shut his shop, we have no option but to buy mobile phones for our children and ourselves so that they can study as suggested by Sirjee” said a bidi smoking Babu jalela on conditions of anonymity as reported by Kal Tak reporter, Sannata Varma.

All this started when Sirjee came across a media campaign of BYDEA Cellular, a leading telecom services provider. The brand tagline “What an Idea Sirjee!” is the message given by Brand Ambassador, Abhilesh Bachhpan, which is echoed by the public at large in the story, and even viewers of the new imaginative ad.



Seen above is the campaign that inspired ‘Sirjee’ to execute this revolutionary Idea!

Bhika, (who is now called ‘Sirjee’) was so in awe of this campaign that the renamed himself as ‘Sirjee’ from that day on.He even went ahead and re-named his wife as 'Kashywarya' and his aging father as 'Big G' (Gikhaji).

On asking on why he has taken this step, ‘Sirjee’ explained “See, world over, millions of tonnes of trees get cut everyday to produce paper, leading to alarming rates of deforestation.One simple idea to save paper is to efficiently use the mobile phone for large number of day to day purposes.

The new BYDEA campaign as explained by my favorite actor Abhilash Bachhpan Sirjee showcases how my mobile phone can be used as an efficient tool to replace paper everywhere. For eg: i read daily newspapers, make my shop calculations, thereby saving tonnes of paper everyday. I have even stopped using toilet paper!”

Excited about the support he is garnering from the TV crews and the local people, 'Sirjee' is now proposing to ask the govt. for a ‘Jan JunglePal ‘bill.



Seen in the pic is Sirjee demanding for the ‘Jan JunglePal ‘bill to the Government.

On hearing this news in the international media, The UN international Department of environmental safety (IDES) have sent their representative Mr.Karpenter to the village to investigate the matter.



Seen above is Mr.Karpenter trying to reach ‘SirJee’ on the Tree.

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( The above post is a original work of fiction news. It might or might not be inspired by other sites. All rights reserved)

Friday, 23 September 2011

Bollywood dialogues that make you kill yourself :Phata Poshter…. Nikla HERO!!!

Bollywood dialogues that make you kill yourself

Am gonna try and make a list of all cliches and banal dialogues which you have seen all these years in bollywood movies....and wished your ears exploded before you could hear them.(yeh sunne se pehle mere kaan fat kyun nahi gaye??)

After the post about the legendary Aloknath I started thinking about famous/classic quotes from Hindi movies – or ‘dialogues’ as one should say since in almost all Hindi films you will find credits for ‘Dialogue’ in addition to the usual ‘Screenplay’ and ‘Story’.

So I set out to compile the top << number not defined>> memorable/classic quotes from Hindi movies( focus will be on dialogues which are outright 'funny' irrespective of the film or situation they were intended for). Lists are always subjective and I am by no means a voracious watcher of Hindi films – hence I may have missed some – anyone reading this are welcome to come up with their own list or add to this.
To start with 1. "Mai tumhare baccche ki Maa banne wali hu............"  * deep silence*

2.Dosti ki hai – nibhani toh padegi – Maine Pyar Kiya : I know, I know – very tacky – but it had become quite famous at the time of its release.

3. Police ne tumhe charon taraf se gher liya hain – apne aap ko kannon ke haawale kar do – I know – its one of those hackneyed dialogues – but I included it since it was used so many times by  the Indian policemen with a megaphone ! :D

4.Ki..ki…ki…Kiran – Darr – The beginning of SRK’s endless hamming.

5. Mere Paas Maa Hai – Deewar – One of the very few times perhaps when Amitabh’s co-actor has run away with the better dialogue.

6. Chal Dhano! Aaj teri Basanti ki izzhat ka saawal hai - Sholay ( as if the She-horse understood the meaning. with so many He-horses behind her, Dhanno's knows who izzat is at stake!)

7. Hum jaha pe khade ho jaate hein, line wahi se shuru hoti hai – Kaaliya.. EK NO.!

8. Shakti Kapoor’s “Ballmaaaaaa”,lolita aaooo…Mein chota sa, pyara sa, nanha sa, baccha hoon.

9. Sunny Deol's " Dhaai kilo ka haath ... ( hand weight = ~ 2.5 kg! ) Yeh Dhai kilo ka haath jab kisipe padtha hai na…toh aadmin ut-tha nahi ud jaata hai..

10.“Rishte main to hum tumhare BAAP lagte hai ..naam hai  <put whatever your name is>” from Shahenshah

11.” Sinoreeta… aisi bare bare deshon mein… aisi choti choti batein… hoti rehti hai,” :$:$ Since then Senorita became a pickup line in India

12.DON KO PAKADNA MUSHKIL HI NAHIN, NAMUMKIN HAI.. take care you dont confuse KO with KA..will lead to altogether different meaning.ROFL

13. damini(sunny deol)- tarikh pe tarikh…My lord ( this guy is really frustrated)

14. gulshan grover – “BADMANN”

14. Ghayal(sunny deol)- Utaar ke fenk do ye wardi aur pahan lo balwant raka patta apne gale mein…

15. Hawa tez chalta hai Dinkar Rao.. Topi sambhalo, nahin to udd jayega, Agneepath

16.Naam:Vijay deenanath chauhan..Poora naam, baap ka naam:deena nath chauhan, maa ka naam, suhasini chauhan ( sirf naame pucha tha be..)

17.In every courtroom scene

Defence: par iska is case se kya talluk hai
Prosecutor: talluk hai your honour bahut gehra talluk hai.. ( how deep??)

18.Rangeela: Abbey pair neeche kar, Abbey tu picture dekhney aaya hai ke pair?

Aaye, Fan chalu kar, The A/C is on sir. Kya bola? Munna wokeh raha hai ke AC chal raha hai. Haan to usko bol na moonh idhar ghumayega.

19. Prem chopda dialogues:
a)Gayi bhains paani main.
b)Nanga nahahyega kya or nichodega kya?
c)Mera Naam PREM CHOOPDAA hai - This one is CLASSIC!!!

20. Ashok Saraf in Karan Arjun: Thakur to ggggiyo

21.'Yeh bacchhon ke khelne ki cheez nahi, haath kat jaaye toh khoon nikal aata hai’ - RAJKUMAR ( The Govt. must put this note on every knife in india)

22.Ye haath hamain de de thakur!!! ( What will gabbar do with 4 hands, i wonder?)

23.Kuttey.. Main tera Khoon pee jaunga ( This scene takes place in China....perfectly ok)

24. Daaam jo tum Chaho, Kaam Jo main chahoon ( professionalism at its best)

25. Don ke dushman ki sabse badi galti hai…. ki woh don ka dushman hai( DON - SRK)

26.Jhakaazzz…….Anil Kapoor

27. itna sannata kyon hai bhai? .. Classic

28. Mujhe bhagwaan ke liye chor do!! Lo ye bhi bhagwaan se pyar karti hai… chor do ise. ( i am telling you, this bhagwaan guy is damn lucky)

29.Mera nam raj patil raja, raja ko praja dhoka de nahi sakti

29.from Andaz apna apnaAamir Khan to Shakti Kapoor : jab gaaon main bachchha rota hain,to uski maa kahti hai ki beta soja soja warna crime master gogo aa jayega..

30.from Sholay : Gabbar to Sanjeev Kumar : mujhe apna haath dede thakur

31. common dialogue : maine aapka namak khaaya hai maalik.. ( TATA ka ya Captain Cook?)

32.“Do Dost Ek Hie Piyali May Chai Piyengay” - Cost cutting!!

33.Basanti in Kuttoo ke saamne mat naachna... ( dont dance in front of dogs...lol who in their right mind would do that?)

34.Koun Kambakht Bardasht karne ke liye peeta hai… ( Names cannot be mentioned on public forum. We are sorry)

35.Appke pair bahut khoobsurat hain, inhe zameen par mat rakhiyega , maile ho jaayenge ( hey c'mon, she's not a Bed patient!)

36.Agar tune maa ka dudh piya hai, to bahar nikal..

37.Corollary to above: agar tune maa ka dudh nahi piya hai to , to bahar mat  nikal

38.JAB TAK BAITNE KO NA KAHA JAYE KHARAY RAHO! YEH POLICE STATION HAI TUMARAY BAAP KA GHAR NAHI! - Workplace manners

39. Paanch baje ke baad deva ki adaalat shuru hoti hain – SUNNY IN ZIDDI. ( Pretty laidback workplace)

40.JAO PEHLE USKA SIGN LEY KAR AAO JISNE MERE HAATHO MEY YE LIKH DIYA ( Pre-approval required)

41.AAJ MERE PAAS BANGLA HAIN,GADI HAI,BANK BALANCE HAI TUMARE PAAS KYA HAI.( dont say MAA now)

42. E-haath humko de de thakur ( Everything's gone online!)

43.Jaani jinke ghar siso key hothe hai wo dusro key ghar par pathar nai phekha karte.. ( quite obvious no)

44. ( naughty version) Jaani jinke ghar siso key hothe hai, wo basement me jake hi kapde badalte hai ( lol. unless you are really shameless)

45.EK MACHHAR AADMI KO HINJJRA BANA DETA HAI - By Dr. NANA (MBBS)

46.Bade Bade desho mein aisi choti choti baate hoti rahti hai.  ( Note: Very handy dialogue.This is the excuse you can give to your boss when you make a mistake)

47.Main aaj bhi fenke hue paise nahin leta.. ( now that's what we call ATTITUDE )

48.Tum jis school mein padhte ho hum uske headmaster rah chuke hain…. done to death this one

49.Main tumhe bhool nahin sakta kyunki yeh ho nahin sakta, aur tum mujhe bhool nahi sakti kyunki ye main hone nahi doonga…. Suneil Shetty in Dhadkan ( sunil's only memorable dialogue in his entire career)

50.“Na talwaar ki dhaar se na goliyon ki bauchaar se… Banda darta hai to sirf parvardigaar se” One and only Rajkumar in Tiranga

51. “Mujhe parivartan pasand nahi mr.Aryan” BigB to SRK  in Mohabbattein.. mujhe sirf KBC pasand hai

52.BabuBhaiyya: Kutriya saala, number dekh ke dial kar.Woh to main mast tail main fry kar ke khhaa gaya.

53.“Mere do do baap” – Gopi Kishan (Sunil Shetty)

54.Eggjactly – Javed Jafferi, Salaam Namasthe

55.Bacche Ki Jaan Lega Kya – Akshay Kumar

jhakkas Shatru dialogues:

56. Jali ko aag kehte hai, bhuji ko raakh kehte hai..aur jis raakh se barood bane..use Vishwanath kehte hai! < APPLAUSE>

57. Ande se choch nikli nai ki kharoch marne ki soch raha hai..Chaaku sirf Chakku ke haath mein chakmakata hai..bhaison

ki haath mein nahi!

58.Andaaz Apna Apna: Dialouge Paresh Rawal: main teja hun kyonki mera naam bhi teja hai! ( quite logical :P)

59.Jeet ke haarne wale ko Baazigar kehte hain.. ( aur haar ke jeetne wale ko CHEATER kehte hai :P)

60.sattar minute !!! - Chakde india ( not 60? )

61.Tumhara naam kya hai, Basanti !! ( pickup)

62.Ekk baar, bas ekk bar mere aankho main aankhen daal kay kahe do ki tum muj say payar nahi kartey.. (  lol....)

63.Koeee Shak - Mithunda is back! ( Any doubts, kindly ask)

64.Ek bar jo mai nay commitment kar de ya phir to mai apna aap ki bhi nahi sunta.

65. Ramlal jao chai banaa kar lao ( IF Ramlal is not available you always have RAMU KAKA at hand!)

66.“ramu kaka aap ish ghar main kab se kaam kar rahe ho” ( dedicated to ramu kaka')

67.“aati kya khandala”,“kya mast ruffchik ..jhakkashh item hai baaaaaaaap” ( cat calls by taporis)

68.“aji bhagyavaan sunti hooooooo..” ( enter FAT LADY with paunch)

69.“pahuchte hi chitthi likhna” ( SMS/e-mail will also do)

70.“radha beti …ghoom aai mele main” ( radha, happy you dint flee with the local chaiwala in the mela)

71.“Zindagi me paife kamaane ke do hi tareekein hain ..Fortcut ya Chhota Fortcut …” (Kaminey: that's the movie name :D)

72.“Pyaar Karna maine tumse sikha hai sameer … magar pyaar nibhana mujhey balraaj ne sikhaya hai” .. ( lol, loser Sameer)

73.Eyyy Deva …Utha le … Utha Le …Utha Le re baba … arrey mere ko nahin … in dono ko” (babu Rao).

74. Be Positive Kajal” (No Entry) B+

75. Mere karan arjun aayengeeeeeeee!!!! ( this one is EPIC!)

76.GHATAK

Pinjre mein akar tu sher bhi kuuutta ban jaata hai kaatiya tu chahta hai tere mein jahan kuuuutta banke rahun tu kahe tu bhonkon tu kahe tu katun,
Aisa hi samjho toh kya hamare saath kaam karoge toh naam hoga tumhara

Enaam melinge rupiya paisa milenge izzat hogi tuhmari aur log darenge tumse
darakar logon ko woh jeeta hai jiski hadiyon mein paani bhara hota hai. agar marad banne ka itna hi shock hai tu kuuutton ka sahara lena chood de katiya

77.Hey bhagwaan tera lakh lakh suhkr hai... ( Hi God, thanks * 2 lacs )

78.Agar 5 min or der ho jaati to- .. ( that was highly time-critical!)

79. Maine injection de diya hai thodi der me hosh aa jayega-  DR.SAHAB

80. Inhe dawa ki nahi dua ki zarurat hai- DR SAHAB ( this one is just legendary)

81.KHUSH TO BAHUT HOGE TUM…! ( ofcourse i am )

82.HAI KOI MAI KA LAAL….!

83.

dil chahta hai

hello priya
haan main
magar vo
suno to
tumne to
lekin main
kabse keh
hello
usne phone rakh diya

84." yeh sunne se pehle mere kaan fat kyun nahi gaye??”(good question….but how am i supposed to know?? :D)

85.” “Kararaa Jawaab Milega”.!

86.Main hun MAUT Ki Vo EXPRESS,
Duniya jise kehti hai MADAM-X
(rekha) Rhyming rhyming..lol

87.hum tum me itne ched karege ki kanfuje ho jaoge ki sans kahan se lai or paade kahan se

88.Constable: sir ji kahan woh haraam jaade___Salman: haraam jaade se yaad aya apke pitaji kaise hein__

Constable: Aur woh kamini kaisi hai….Salman: Kamini se yaad aya ke babhi ji kaisi hai…

89.ek chutki sindhoorki kheemath tum kya janogi ramesh baabu,,, ( ramesh you idiot, you dont even know the price of sindhur in the market, u moron)

90. ye duniya badi zalim hai….

and finally before you comment anything  "Khamossssh!"

Ramblings on one of the finest Bollywood actors Alok Nath


Ramblings on one of the finest Bollywood actors Alok Nath



Alok Nath has become the man of choice whenever Bollywood needs a middle aged father, or a selflessly unmarried uncle, or a samdhi experiencing the stirring of a love that dare not speak up, or the father of wronged daughters, or anyone dejected, disappointed and taken aback in life yet braving all odds with twinkling eyes and of course that endearing smile.

Way back in 1989, when Maine Pyaar Kiya had just released, I was fascinated to note how here was an actor, Alok Nath, who neither laughs nor cries. (Shocked??) He does them both together!! He laughcries! Alternately, he crylaughs!

Alok laughcries when darling daughter Bhagyashree becomes jawaan (of an age to rid herself off the gruesome burden of virginity). In a scene worth repetitive viewings, rustic Alok crylaughs while barging into a board meeting which his city-bred, corporate type pal is conducting. Registering a divinely prasanna mudra on his face, with weltering tears in his eyes, Alok bashfully questions, “Mujhse gale nahi milega, yaar” (Won’t you embrace me, you duckface?). I forgot to mention The Voice. Its mellow. Its hushed. A tone that usually men above forty-five employ to sound like young college boys

Without awaiting an affirmation, Alok rushes across the table to hug his, too stunned to resist, old male friend. Alok’s hug is accompanied with such an achingly gratuitous expression on his laughcrying face that it almost conveys, this is not just another everyday hug, but a kind of a long-awaited, kinked-out sexual release?



On the other hand, if you haven't seen an Alok Nath quivering with rage, you have seen nothing. Its priceless. He trembles, his jowls shake, whines like a nagging wife, and looks like a total lost cause in life.

Then came THE movie that ruined Hindi cinema irreversibly, Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, showcasing Alok Nath as never before.

I so wish I could quote in a three sheet monologue by Ajit Vacchani introducing Alok’s character. Ajit V. goes, “Aap hain Ramkishenji/ Durgaprashadji or whatever his dumb name was?



As an aside, Alok always has these archaic, long winding names in his movies. RamSharanji / Vidya Charanji/ Radheshyam Shuklaji/ Shyam Prasad Bharadwaj ji or something equally annoying. Or he has to have ‘babu’ suffixed to it, it’s never alone. Pick from - Sharad babu, Shekhar babu, Dayashankar babu.

Returning to Ajit V’s three sheet monologue introducing Alok Nath,”Aap hain LongWindingName ji?, blah blah about how he started off young with two rupees in his pocket, went ahead to build up a business empire, and how with hard work he selflessly conducted the upbringing of his two moronic nephews, Monish and Sallu, ignoring any of his own necessities, yak yak. This eulogy ends with a traffic stopping, heart wrenching phrase, “aur aapke ke bare mein kya batayein, aapne toh abhi tak shaadi bhi nahi ki..!!

Note how during this verbal character-sketch by Ajit V, the camera pans lovingly on Alok's laughcrying face soaking the words of praise with characteristic timidity, diffidently shrugging away the compliments. As a fitting finale to this brilliant bit of emoting, Alok removes his glasses, cross-stitches eyebrows together, wipes 4 tears, with 32 teeth in full frontal display, saying something that goes, “heheheh Aap kyun sharminda karte hain Govind Babu?? .Also note, Alok is the only guy who can smile with lips upside down yet show maximum teeth.

All I can say about the ‘Samdhi Samdhan’ song is that this is stuff that legends are made of.



At a ladies? sangeet session during a garish wedding, boys and girls seated afore each other, segregated by gender and a carpet. Amidst the ruckus, dancing and singing, a red-hot affair is brewing secretly, to which the whole world is alas oblivious. Alok gives nuanced smiles to a blushing Reema. This is a man attending  is own son’s wedding, witnessing youthful kids getting flirty with each other, has his eyes set on a well-rounded lady giving him her best possible ‘come-hither-and-take-me-royally-you-tiger’ looks, he so badly wants to throw caution to the winds by aiming a slingshot ( ala Sallu in the movie) at her but just can’t. Aakhir lok-laaj, sabhyata, izzat-aabru naam ki bhi koi cheez hoti hai. (After all, there are such things namely - shame, culture, virginity et al)

And then the affair continues with Reema singing some heavy-duty lines on how her daughter is now the shobha of Alok’s aangan, (the USP of his backyard). So, Alok silently portrays that henceforth he will ward off and quash all overtly sexual feelings for Reema keeping the ‘laaj’ of this naazuk rishta intact, needless to add, accompanied with a crylaughing face. The song in Hum Aapke hai Koun epitomizes all that Alok stands for in 95% of his movie appearances.